Holy Holy Land!

Earth people: You can stop wondering. There is a 60-foot Jesus with 36 mechanical movements after all.

The colossal Christ emerges Fridays through Sundays (and selected holidays), repeatedly and somewhat lethargically, from behind a large fake rock next to an airport in Buenos Aires, Argentina. This hourly miracle takes place at Parque Tierra Santa, a religious theme park that appeared in the midst of the dense South American metropolis nearly 10 years ago.

The action lasts eight minutes and is set to a shrill, thundering mash-up of landing planes and a recorded chorus of hallelujahs. After leisurely taking his full and upright position above the plaster mountain, the sizable saviour, with arms astonishlingly perpendicular, goes to work. As if sensing non-believers in the limited stadium seating below, Jesus begins twisting his massive messiah hands, shifting his elegantly robed frame, and giving his eyelids a slow but steady workout. Then he sinks down and out of view until the next show, 10 minutes before the hour.

Argentina is a predominantly Catholic nation, so, of course, scenes from the Bible play the dominant role at Tierra Santa (or, Holy Land). However, a few other religions do make cameo appearances. Gandhi shows up in a little hut around the corner from the Resurrection zone. Unlike the nimble Jesus giant, this little Mahatma has exactly zero mechanical movements. Hey, it looks like the peace-loving Hindi was not above putting one of his woolly sheep in “time out” against a wall. Well, that’s the only way they’ll learn!

Also in a nod to fair play, Tierra Santa installed a Wailing Wall next to the bathrooms by an Armenian restaurant, which, by the way, serves a decent hummus plate and all the liters of beer you need. Drinking is not discouraged here. Neither is going gluttonous on pizza, an act immortalized outside the Salem Pizzeria by one of the park’s many scattered and usually thematic statues. This one appears to be of an apostle eagerly treating himself to a cheesy tomato slice. I don’t recall this scene from the Bible.

Not far from the pizzeria is an homage to Christ’s awkward teen years. Here, the young Jesus appears to be on an uncomfortable walk with his “parents,” Joseph and Mary. I tend to think his quiet angst is less from being seen shirtless in public with his mom and dad and more because of the strange placement of his nipples. They are simply too close together.

Misplaced nipples aside, Parque Tierra Santa has a lot to offer humans of all faiths, not just Catholics and Christians. I went on Christmas Day, and even the consumerist legend Santa Claus was invited to attend. Well, he could have just been loitering, come to think of it. It was hard to tell. Maybe Santa was just trying to sneak into the Creation exhibit for a racy glimpse of Adam and Eve about to get it on in front of a sheep.

Despite Tierra Santa’s mild inclusiveness,  I am, of course, obliged to say “Sorry, Satanists,” because you aren’t represented here. Unless you claim that apple above, which really looks more like a tomato. Adam’s tomato. But I’m positive that, if taken to this exceedingly beige yet well-groomed park, even the most hardcore devotee of the Dark One would transform into a well-behaved good sport and find something to enjoy.

Parque Tierra Santa, Buenos Aires, Argentina: http://www.tierrasanta-bsas.com.ar/

(Photos by Kira Hannum)

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